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以死亡的种子换取生命的果实

住在美国阿肯色州的妮基18岁,之前从没有听别人谈论过自杀这回事。但当这事发生在自己家人身上时,她觉得不能再沉默了。

发布时间:2012年11月09日

以死亡的种子换取生命的果实

My little brother, Tyler, and I were extremely close growing up. We’d make up top-secret handshakes after watching our favorite show. We spent hours talking about music: I play the clarinet[单簧管], and Ty was a true band geek[怪胎] whose trumpet[小号] was never far out of his reach. Sure, we bickered[斗嘴] over stupid stuff—it drove me crazy when he’d leave up the toilet seat in the bathroom! But we told each other everything. Or so I’d thought. 我和弟弟泰勒自幼就非常亲近。我们会在看完最喜欢的节目后来个秘密握手;我们会花很长时间讨论音乐:我吹奏单簧管,泰则是一个不折不扣的乐队怪胎,小号从不离手。当然,我们也会为一些无聊小事争吵——每次他在浴室上完厕所却没有把厕所板放下我就抓狂!然而我们无话不说——或者我原以为是这样吧。 Dazed [茫然的] and Confused 茫然与困惑 There was nothing particularly memorable about the cold midwinter Arkansas day when Ty killed himself. Ty, 14, got home from band practice and did the usual: cheerfully greeted everyone, then went straight to his room to practice his trumpet. Once dinner was ready, he joined my mom, my dad, and me to eat barbecued[烤肉] chicken while watching TV. I noticed then that Ty wasn’t talking much—typically[通常] he and my dad joked around the whole time. But it didn’t seem like anything was wrong, and after taking out the trash, Ty went back to his room. I had no idea it would be the last time I’d see him. 泰自杀的那个仲冬天,寒冷的阿肯色一切如常,没有发生什么印象特别深刻的事情。14岁的泰参加完乐队训练后回到家,像平常那样高兴地向各人问好,然后径直走回自己房间练习小号。晚餐准备好后,他跟爸爸妈妈和我一边吃烤鸡,一边看电视。我发现泰没怎么说话——通常他和爸爸会不停地开玩笑。但没什么不对劲儿的。倒完垃圾后,泰回到自己的房间。我没想到这是我最后一次见他。 It was nearly 8 o’ clock when I heard what sounded like glass breaking coming from Ty’s room. My dad went to find out what happened, then my mom checked too before dragging[拖,拉] me into their bedroom. “What’s going on?” I asked. She was crying so hard, she couldn’t answer. Then my dad showed up with all of our shoes and coats and screamed, “He’s still got a pulse[脉搏]. We’re going to the emergency room[急救室]!” 差不多8点的时候,我听见泰的房间里传出类似玻璃破碎的声音。爸爸过去看看发生什么事。妈妈也去查看了,之后她把我拉到他们房间。“发生什么事了?”我问。她哭得很厉害,根本无法作答。爸爸随后拿着我们的鞋子和外套出现了,他叫道:“他还有脉搏。我们要去急救室!” “Oh, my God, I don’t get it! What happened?” I yelled. But no one answered me. All of a sudden, an ambulance[救护车] was at my house, and we got into the car and sped off behind it. When we arrived at the hospital, Mom and I were put in a private room while my dad checked on Ty. “What’s going on?!” I asked again. Mom was hyperventilating[强力呼吸], but she was able to catch her breath enough to say, “Ty tried to kill himself.” “噢,我的天啊,我不明白!发生什么事了?”我叫道。但没有人回答我。突然,一辆救护车来到我家。我们也上了车,驱车紧跟其后。到达医院后,妈妈和我被安排在一个单间,爸爸则去查看泰的情况。“到底怎么回事?!”我再次问到。妈妈竭力地呼吸,但终于能够缓过气说话:“泰试图自杀。” I was in total denial[否认]. “That’s not funny!” I yelled. Then my dad returned, looked at my mom, and shook his head as if to say, “Ty didn’t make it.” My mom passed out[昏倒]. I didn’t have any emotion. I wasn’t even crying. NOTHING made sense[有意义]. 我一点也不相信。“开什么玩笑!”我叫道。爸爸回来了。他看着妈妈摇了摇头,仿佛在说:“泰没活过来。”妈妈晕倒了。我一点感觉也没有,甚至没有哭。一切都显得毫无意义。 Feeling Lost 怅然若失 After Ty shot himself, my family alternated[交替,轮流] between tears and silence, barely leaving the house. I didn’t go to school for more than four months. I just couldn’t understand why he’d done it—he’d never said that anything was wrong, and it wasn’t until after Ty died that his friend told us that my brother had confessed[承认,坦白] to having thoughts of suicide[自杀]. I went to therapy[治疗], but I didn’t like talking to a stranger. Thankfully my best friend was always there for me, but she never pushed me to share my feelings. 泰开枪自杀后,我们一家总是在眼泪和沉默之间徘徊,几乎没有离开过房子。我有四个多月没去上学。我实在不明白他为什么要这样做——他从未说过有什么问题。泰死后,他的朋友才告诉我们泰曾经承认有自杀的念头。我接受过治疗,但始终不喜欢跟陌生人说话。幸好我最好的朋友一直在我左右,不过她从来不会强迫我说出自己的感觉。 When I returned to school, I was surprised that most people treated me normally. That helped because I wanted to act as if it hadn’t happened. But just because nobody mentioned the word suicide didn’t make it disappear. I felt so alone with my feelings, and I didn’t really have anyone I could turn to who had real experience with suicide. 重返学校后,我很惊讶地发现大多数人像平常那样对我。那很有用,因为我希望一切如常,好像那件事没有发生过。虽然没有人提“自杀”这个词,但并不代表它就消失了。我感到很孤独,也找不到谁有过涉及自杀的真实经历可以帮我。

The following spring, I had to do a project for a community-service class, and I realized my topic should be suicide awareness[意识]. I thought if more people talked about it, maybe it wouldn’t happen to another teen. I called the Arkansas Crisis Center, the group who’d spoken to kids at my brother’s school right after his death. I told them I wanted to raise awareness and keep my brother’s memory alive, and when I asked if I could help organize a walkathon注, they said yes! I was so comforted when I saw hundreds of people show up to support my family and other survivors who’d lost loved ones to suicide—I knew then that I wasn’t alone. 第二年春天,我要为社会服务课做一个方案,我意识到应该以“自杀意识”为主题。我想如果多些人讨论它,也许自杀就不会发生在其他青少年身上。我打电话给阿肯色危机中心,也就是在我弟弟死后到他学校跟孩子们交谈的团体。我对他们说我希望提高人们对自杀的关注,并希望大家记住我弟弟。当我问能否帮忙组织一场步行马拉松时,他们说可以!看到数以百计的人到来支持我们家,看到那些因自杀而失去至爱的人,我倍感欣慰——我知道自己并不是孤身作战。 Shedding Some Light 一点希望 Being open about suicide rather than treating it like a secret felt so incredible that I started to speak at school assemblies[集会]. Sharing Ty’s story is helping me heal, and so far I’ve had two people confess that they had thoughts of suicide. I directed them to help right away. It is so amazing to know that another family wouldn’t have to go through what mine did. If Ty were here, I think he’d be really proud of me and happy to know his life is having such a positive[积极的] effect on others. 坦然面对自杀,而不是将它当作一个秘密,这感觉真好。所以我开始在学校的集会上发言。分享泰的故事帮助我治愈(创伤)。至今已经有两个人向我坦白说他们想过自杀。我马上指引他们接受帮助。知道另一个家庭不用经历我们所经历的一切,真是太好了。如果泰还在,我想他会为我感到十分自豪,也一定会为自己的生命给别人带来积极的影响而高兴。 伸出援手 如果你认识的人想不开,你可以试试以下方法: 发现自杀信号。留意情绪是否有变化——你的朋友已经有两个星期表现得很沮丧;平时喜欢做的事情现在都不做了;情绪起伏不定;或者突然离群独居。 告诉其他人。不要把自杀当成秘密。如果你的朋友承认曾经伤害自己,你要告诉家长或老师——即使他/她要你发誓保密。你或许可以挽救一个生命! 听取意见。你可以咨询当地的防止自杀组织,听取他们的意见。 注:尤指在美国和加拿大为特定事业筹款而进行的步行马拉松。 by Ciema Mayo

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