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对悲痛中的人该说什么?七要七不要

如果你的朋友的亲人过世、爱情长跑宣告失败、事业不顺……在这种情况下你该怎么安慰他呢?是不是想要给他力量和支持,却不知道说什么好?那就让我们一起来看看这篇文章,学习一下对悲痛中的人说话的技巧吧~

发布时间:2013年01月02日

对悲痛中的人该说什么?七要七不要

Your friend’s father just died and you’re in a panic. 朋友的父亲刚去世了,你也跟着陷入了恐慌。

“What should I say? What if I say something wrong?” “我该说什么? 如果我说错话了怎么办?” Hey, it’s really not your fault our society is so death-and-grief-phobic. No one ever taught you how to be with someone who is grieving. Here are seven things not to say, along with better ways of saying them. 好啦,我们社会如此惧怕死亡和悲伤真的不是你的错,因为从来没人教育我们,如何与悲痛中的人相处。以下呢,是七句你不该说的话,以及表达它们的更好方式。 1. Not: “He’s in a better place” or “Just be happy he’s not in pain anymore.” The place she wants him to be is with her, no matter how much pain he was in or how difficult the care-giving was. Better: ”You must miss him terribly.” 1.别说“他去了一个更好的地方”或“你应该高兴,他不再受病痛折磨了。” 她想要他在的地方就是她的身边,无论他是否收到病痛折磨或者照顾他是多么困难。

更好的表达方式:“你一定非常想念他。”

  1. Not: “You’ll get married again” or “You can always have other children” or “At least you have your other children.” But the person he really wants back and is grieving for isn’t here and he will not ever be able to replace her. Honor that. Better: ”I know how special she was to you and how much you loved her.”
  2. 别说“你很快就能另得佳偶”或“你随时都能再生一个”或“至少你还有其他子女。” 但他这时满心悲痛、全心想寻回的那人却不在他身边,永远也无法以他人取代。尊重逝者吧。 更好地表达方式:“我知道她对你而言有多特别,也知道你爱她有多深。”

  3. Not: “It’s time for you to get yourself together.” Each person’s path of grief is unique. Maybe it isn’t time for her to get herself “together” yet. Even if she is not functioning well enough to take care of herself or her family, it may be best to get friends and loved ones to pitch in to take care of the family for awhile rather than shaming her or having her feel that she’s “not handling this better.” Better: ”It looks like this is a rough day for you. How about if I bring some dinner over about six?”

  4. 别说“是时候让自己振作起来了。” 每个人悲痛的过程都是和别人不同的。也许这还不是她可以“振作起来”的时候。就算她目前还无法恢复正常,好好地照顾自己或家人,最好的解决办法也是让朋友或亲密的人暂时帮助照顾家里人一阵子,而不是使她感到羞愧,觉得自己“没能更好地处理这件事。”

更好地表达方式:“今天你一定过得不太好。我六点左右给你们带点晚餐过来如何?”

  1. Not: ”I’m sure it will all be better soon.” Ouch! It’s so hard to watch a friend or family member grieve… we often want him to feel better so we’ll feel better! Remember, he may be thinking he’ll never feel better so presuming how he is going to feel in the future may be very frustrating for him. Better: ”I’ll be here for as long as you need me.”
  2. 别说“我敢肯定一切都会很快好起来的。” 糟糕!眼睁睁地看着朋友或家人受到悲痛折磨真是太难受了....我们往往想让他们感觉好点,这样我们自己才会感觉好点!记住,他也许正在想,自己永远不会开心起来了,因此你对他未来感受的主管臆断可能会让他非常烦闷。

更好地表达方式:“只要你需要我,我会一直在你身边。”

  1. Not: “God’s plans are always the best. It must have been what He intended.” This has the possibility of creating anger toward God or a higher power in the grieving person. Also, it’s very important to know the person’s belief system before mentioning anything about God or a higher power. Don’t assume the person has the same faith or belief that you do. Better: ”I’m so sorry.”
  2. 别说“上帝总是有最好的安排。这一定是他的意愿。” 这可能会使悲痛者对上帝或其他神祗产生愤怒。另外,在提到上帝或任何其他神祗之前,了解对方的信仰系统也很重要。不要假定他和你有一样的信仰。

更好地表达方式:“我感到很难过。”

  1. Not: ”Don’t cry in front of the children.” Kids are often more upset by what they don’t know than what they do know, so many times it’s appropriate to model normal grief for the children. Better: “How are the kids doing with this?”
  2. 别说“别在孩子面前哭。” 对孩子们来说,更让他们感到不安的是隐瞒真相,而不是开诚布公。因此,让孩子们感受到正常的悲痛并无不可。

更好地表达方式:“孩子们现在还好吗?”

  1. Not: Saying nothing at all. This is actually one of the worst things that can happen to a grieving person: having people ignore his pain. If you’re not sure what to say, or are uncertain that the person wants to talk about it, it’s okay to say just that. Better: ”I’m not sure what to say but I want you to know I’m here for you” and/or “Do you feel like talking about her death right now?”
  2. 别:什么都不说。 事实上,这对悲痛中的人来说是最糟糕的情况了:人们对他的痛苦采取忽视态度。如果你不确定该说什么,或者不肯定对方是否愿意谈起此事,也可以就这样说:

更好地表达方式:“我不知道该说什么,但我想让你知道,我会一直陪着你。”和/或“你现在想谈谈她去世的经过吗?”

The best thing to remember when being with a grieving person is just that: be with her. Sometimes you don’t even need to talk. She just wants to know that you are okay to sit with her in her pain. 记住,和悲痛中的人在一起的时候,最重要的事情是:陪在她身边。有时候你甚至不需要讲话。她只需了解,你愿意在她伤心时陪她坐一会儿。 But in case you’ve been worried about what to say while you’re sitting with her, I hope these ideas have been helpful. 但万一在陪伴的过程中,你担心不知道该说什么,这时,希望以上的建议会对你有所帮助。

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